Why Do Ladies Say They're Fine When They're Not?

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A tale as old as time.

Your wife/girlfriend/friend looks upset. You ask what's wrong. She says "I'm fine."

She's obviously not fine.

You both keep up this roundabout Q&A until you decide to take her word for it and stop asking. She keeps giving the silent treatment and you're confused out of your mind about how to fix it. Or, an argument ensues later that could have been a simple, nonhostile conversation an hour ago.

Sure enough, there is definitely something wrong and she is definitely not fine.

So why does she lie? I don't claim to be a psychologist, but I do claim to be a woman, which is close enough. (Though, I have taken two, yes, two PSYCH 101 classes, and did therapy for four years, and regularly watch Cinema Therapy on YouTube.) So, here is my personal, educated, and womanly guess as to the six general reasons why we do this. 

Fellas, lock in.

Why Not Say What's Wrong?

First order of business: Why doesn't she just come out and tell you what's the matter?

Well, in a word, people-pleasing.

I know, it may sound counter-intuitive, but listen to this. A study in Psychological Science showed that women apologize more often than men do because our threshold for what counts an an apology-worthy offense is lower. This doesn't mean that men never apologize, but that women apologize for things we don't have to. We apologize for things out of our control, that aren't our fault, and that are barely inconveniences. Proactively saying we're sorry is a learned -- and therefore taught -- social mechanism to mitigate anybody from ever being displeased with us, ever. So, when our male partners don't adhere to this somewhat people-pleasing habit (and sign of social anxiety), we assume that they don't care about our feelings as much as we care about theirs.

In an ideal world, we women would be comfortable being up front about our feelings with our partners, without reason to fear judgement. Ladies would speak their minds, and gentlemen would listen without immediately jumping to Fix-It Mode. Although that's not this world, it can be achieved.

Now, on to the six general reasons why she may be upset in the first place!

Reason 1: She's Insecure.

She doesn’t believe that her problems are worth bringing up or worth your concern. She doesn't want to be bothersome or to weigh you down with her troubles.

What YOU can do:

• Assure her that her feelings matter to you.

• Assure her that not knowing her troubles hurts worse than shouldering them.

• Promise not to get overly upset, stressed, or bummed out.

• But do get just the right amount of upset, stressed, and bummed out.

• Ex. “Sweetie-pumpkin, what matters to you matters to me! I'd hate for you to deal with things alone. Thanks for trusting me with your problems! Here, a gift card to Chili’s.”

Reason 2: She Just Doesn’t Want To Talk About It Right Now.

For whatever her reason may be, she may just not want to delve into the nitty-gritty right at the moment you ask her. She may want time to process her thoughts, organize her feelings, and cool down before venting to you.

What YOU can do:

• Don’t push her.

• Be patient.

• Tell her that you want to hear her thoughts once she’s ready.

• Ex. “Y’know babygirl, what’s in your head matters to my heart. I’ll wait for you. Wanna watch Pride & Prejudice?"

Reason 3: She Doesn’t Want To Talk About It With YOU, specifically.

Chances are, she already knows what you would say about her problem, and how, and she doesn’t need it. YOU do not possess the experience, nor the wisdom, that she needs, and she needs to talk with somebody who DOES. And that's okay. You're not her mom, or girlfriends, or therapist, or doctor, or priest. Hopefully not. 

What YOU can do:

• Don’t take it personally.

• Encourage her for getting help.

• Let her know that, even though you don't understand, you still care.

• Ex. “Wow babe! You’re so hot for seeking advice and professional help! Want me to drive you to therapy or pay for brunch with your besties?”

Reason 4: It's Something That You Said And / Or Did.

Either you said something that hurt her feelings, or you did something that hurt her feelings.

What YOU can do:

• Take stock. Are you actually a good person? Do you deserve this woman? This perfect woman?

• Rack your brain. What was it???

• If you’re desperate for her to keep you, apologize.

• Change your behavior. The best apology is changed behavior.

• Ex. “Dang baby, I’m so sorry that I <<insert sin here>>! From now on, I’ll <<insert better thing>>!”

Reason 5: It's Something That You Did NOT Say And / Or Do.

You failed to say something that she needed to hear or do something that you should have done. 

What YOU can do:

• Again, take stock. Are you SURE you deserve this woman???

• Repent.

• Change your ways.

• Ex. “Aw shoot shawty. I know I messed up again. I’ll tell you whatever you need to hear. Call me wifi, because I’ll always be there.”

Reason 6: She's Waiting For YOU To Apologize.

Why doesn't she just tell you what's wrong? Well, if she did just come out and tell you, and you apologize, then it comes across as if you're only apologizing because she basically asked you to, and that you never would have considered her feelings of your own initiative.

Is this true? Probably not. You're not a mind-reader, after all. Yet this misconception is so deeply ingrained likely because all too many of us are empathetic people-pleasers in the habit of apologizing in case something is our fault, even if it isn't. 

What YOU can do:

• Assure her that, despite not being a psychic, you do in fact care about her feelings.

• Remind her that you can't fix what you don't know.

• Apologize by, *together now* changing your ways.

• Ex. “Ya know, snookms, I wanna make things right, but I can't if I don't know what's wrong. Let’s have a long talk over free cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster.”

So Which is Which?

How will you be able to tell in a given scenario which of these six options it could be?

It's simple: Just Ask!

Really! Asking straightforwardly which of these reasons is the reason why she's upset will cut out the guesswork on your part and show her that you care about the heart of the matter. If she can articulate which reason(s) it is, you can then follow up by clarifying how she needs you to respond.

• Ex. "Okay babe, steer me in the right direction. Is it __, __, __, __, __, or __? Okay, now before we start talking about it, do you need me to 

• listen to empathize

• listen to then help you figure things out

• listen to let you figure things out for yourself?"

I've personally benefitted from this practice and used it with others, and I never regret it. Practicing clarity and honesty before an argument or silent treatment even starts will greatly improve cross-gender relationships.